8 May, 2026

For a lot of people, modern dating has become exhausting. People speak about it using the language of burnout: overwhelmed, drained, discouraged, emotionally tired and this is not just anecdotal. Nearly half of US adults report feeling stressed about their love lives.

The usual explanation is that dating is simply difficult. People are too picky, too busy, too emotionally unavailable, or somehow “bad” at relationships. But what if the issue is not just personal? What if the system itself is shaping behaviours that make meaningful, lasting romantic connections harder?

That is the question behind Settled, a new relationship-focused service founded by former Google and Public Health England leader Ann Don Bosco. After years working across mental health, behaviour change and digital systems, she began questioning the logic behind modern dating platforms. What she found was that most dating apps are not actually optimised for long-term relationships. They are optimised for engagement. The longer people swipe, scroll and come back to the platform, the better the business model performs.

While these apps have transformed access and convenience, they have also created an environment built around endless choice, instant judgement and constant comparison. Behaviourally, that matters as research has shown that too much choice can increase anxiety and reduce satisfaction. Endless options can make people less likely to commit, more likely to second-guess decisions, and more likely to keep searching for something “better”. If we add algorithmic validation and the pressure of self-presentation, dating can quickly start feeling more like a performance than a connection.

This is where the conversation becomes bigger than dating itself.

The systems we design always shape behaviour, whether intentionally or not. Increasingly, the question for businesses is not only whether a platform works, but what kind of behaviours it encourages and normalizes over time. Settled’s response is to rethink the process entirely: fewer, more intentional matches; blind dates designed to reduce superficial judgement, and a stronger focus on compatibility and emotional connection rather than endless browsing.

Whether this model succeeds remains to be seen, but the broader point stands. For years, technology has been optimised for attention. The next challenge may be designing for wellbeing instead.

By Justine Bahoumina